Politics

An annotated, incomplete list of all the people who shouldn’t run for president

Ixnay on the illionairbays.

I’ve always thought you must have an already outsized ego to even consider running for president of the United States. You have to have an unshaken confidence that you alone are uniquely qualified and able to fulfill the office. For as much as I have ideas of how I’d like to change the world, I know that neither would I want to, nor would I be the best candidate to run this country.

And yet… lots of people are throwing their hats into the ring. Even after watching the last election which, aside from being batshit crazy, was one of the most tiresome things to have to live through. And imagine: it wasn’t nearly as tiresome as living under the Trump regime with his wacky band of asshole enablers, Mitch McConnell and co.

I am here to say that there are certain people who should not run for the office of president. I know it’s going to piss people off across the board, but hear me out. HEAR. ME. OUT.

BAZILLIONAIRES NEED NOT APPLY

We’ve heard rustles recently about a couple of financial titans testing the waters for a run for the presidency, and I am flat out NOT HERE FOR IT. Having a lot of money does not qualify you to do anything but figure out ways to give it away. Bazillionaires are part of the problem. They should not exist.

Look, I get it. If I had a lot of money, I’d want to fix everything, too. The difference is, I know that unhealthy amounts of money do not qualify me to be the lead visionary, manager in chief, Commander-in-Chief and arbiter of America. I appreciate Michael Bloomberg‘s visionary leadership in the founding of Everytown for Gun Safety, which has worked long and hard to pass gun safety legislation and go toe to toe with the NRA. I appreciate Howard Schultz‘s leadership at Starbucks and the development of many of their socially forward-thinking employee policies. But currently have a “business leader” in the White House and that’s not going so well. After this little failed experiment, how about we go back to electing someone who has been a lifetime civil servant?

Also, haven’t we had enough tone deaf “let them eat cake” bullshit for a while? From Trump’s musing at a Florida rally last year that people needed to show ID to buy groceries (ummm what) to his comments during the shutdown vaguely assuring that creditors would “work along” with people who can’t pay their bills, to the various signs that his cabinet members (many who are themselves ultra-rich) cannot fathom the struggles of Americans who live paycheck to paycheck, it’s enough to say ENOUGH. No more billionaires. Self-made or otherwise. No. Ixnay on the illionairbays.

OLD WHITE MEN

Before you @ me for misandry, hear me out. White men have run or ruled this country for all but EIGHT YEARS of its history. And the truth is, while I even voted for some of them, I’m ready to NOT vote for them. You know that saying, if you want to keep getting the same results, keep making the same choices? Yeah. That. Look, I love Uncle Joe Biden memes as much as the next person. He can be funny and magnanimous and generous and sweet. He can also ramble and lecture and my goodness he needs to retire and spend more time with his beautiful wife and his lovely dog. It’s time to ride off into the sunset as the crazy fun uncle. Bye.

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And Bernie? Look, I agree that we need medicare for all. I believe that income inequality is a serious issue and we need serious solutions. Bernard, you are not the one to find the serious solutions. I personally never understood the cult-like following that Bernard has, nor do I really like ANY leader with a cult-like following. Wanna know why? Because people with cult-like followings believe their own bullshit. And in order to find solutions to America’s fucked up problems, we don’t need an old white dude with a savior complex and a bunch of dudebros “well, Actually”-ing our solutions. Because our solutions are going to have to work for everyone. Even women. Even people with “identity politics” (which is pretty much everyone except white dude bros, no matter the age.) You know what would be truly revolutionary? Bernie supporting a woman candidate. Oh, or Bernie showing up to vote FOR sanctions against Russia. Or him voting for gun safety.

JILL STEIN

Just NO.

HILLARY CLINTON

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Hillary, I supported you in 2016. I laid it all on the line for you. You would have been a better president than we deserve, and a better president than most people living or dead. But 2016 was a real cluster*ck for our country. The back-and-forth shit with Bernard was maddening and tiring. And while I love you, I think we need to put the past behind us, and I cannot see that happening if you run. As awful and selfish as it sounds, please just don’t. (I think you probably won’t anyway, but just in case you’re listening…)

ANY REPUBLICANS

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And of course it goes without saying that I don’t want DJT to run again, because I’m hoping he’ll be in a prison jumpsuit by then. I also don’t want to ever have to see Paul Ryan in person or on a talk show ever again. Just, you know, go home you guys. Try and understand what you’ve put us through. Think hard about your life choices. Grow beards but then PLEASE head out to the backwoods and clear brush and paint some paintings like W. Go. Away. Do. Not. Return.

That’s it. How’d I do? Did I piss you off? Did I get a BINGO? Good. As a woman, I’m not here to please you. I’m here to try and rapidly undo the fuckery of the past– both long-term and short-term and make sure that we can still live on this godforsaken planet without our children’s skin turning crispy like a rotisserie chicken. I’ve got shit to do, and no time for fools. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to go ship out some t-shirts. 50% of the profits go to getting women of color elected to public office. Y’all can argue amongst yourselves.