MAGAP U.S. Exceptionalism

A message to our test takers, teachers, and donors:

Historically, students taking Advanced Placement courses and exams are among the best, brightest, and most politically aware in the country. In other words, “elitist.” Therefore, we are committed to making AP tests and classes fair and balanced, especially for the poorly educated, whom we love.

We consolidated the 38 AP exams into one shorter, comprehensive test, henceforth to be known as the MAGAP U.S. EXCEPTIONALISM EXAM. Removal of redundancies and renewed focus on what is great about this country, its military parades, and dining opportunities, are significant improvements from previous tests that focused on American failures, complexities, and math.

Students taking the new MAGAP should demonstrate proficiency in the following areas: America, history, capitalization, social media blocking, clever nicknaming, estimation, the Bible, moving in on women like a bitch, MS-13 travel routes, building walls, very bad people, birth certificate verification, tax forms, uranium sales, nuanced diplomatic relations in hotbed regions, the best words, traditional foods of Cinco de Mayo, Nazis, and due process.

The 5-point grading scale has been modified as follows:
5 = huge
4 = big league
3 = great, believe me
2 = weak
1 = loser

Students receiving scores of 3 or above can apply for Congressional internships, but women need to be at least a 7.

The structure of the test largely remains the same:
Section 1 – multiple-choice questions (time allotted: 1 Hannity)
Section 2 – 4 free-response questions (time allotted: 1 Fox and Friends).

Between sections, students get a break of 0.001 Scaramuccis. The attached sample should help familiarize you with the test. Best of luck and NO COLLUSION,

The College Board with the Department of Education (ft. Betsy DeVos and Amway Nutrilite Protein Powder)



Section I: Multiple-Choice.

Each of the questions or incomplete statements below is followed by four suggested answers or completions. Select the one that is best in each case.

1.      Why is America different from and better than the rest of the world?

a.       Divine providence
b.      Vast natural resources
c.       The United States is a unique creation based on radical concepts of individual merit bolstered by a citizenry with a desire to attain success on the basis of talent, effort, and achievement.
d.      Chicken Sizzler Zesty Salsa Doritos

2.      The American automobile industry is an example of:

a.       How Henry Ford forever changed the means of production by perfecting the assembly line.
b.      How the American road systems destroyed the concept of neighborhoods.
c.       How bailouts both work and don’t work.
d.      A soothing balm for a midlife crisis in a youth- and material goods-obsessed culture.

3.      Which of the following best represents modern American culture:

a.       Post-modernism mixed with minimalism
b.      Fox News Channel
c.       The comment section of any Yahoo News article
d.      The New Celebrity Apprentice (excluding Season 8)

4.      Which of these is NOT an appropriate situation in which one may pull oneself up by one’s bootstraps?

a.       While one is being racially profiled/undergoing brutal treatment by law enforcement
b.      Being born into poor and educated by a school system similarly decimated by poverty
c.       Being ugly and/or a loser
d.      Ted Cruz

5.      Many people take exception to calling President Reagan “bellicose.” Explain why by completing the following analogy. 

Bellicose : Reagan :: _____________________ : Obama

a.       Kenyan socialist
b.      Reverend-Wright loving Muslim
c.       Gun-confiscating, gay lifestyle promoter
d.      Thanks

6.      Who were the Unspoken Founding Fathers?

a.       de Tocqueville, John Locke, Rousseau
b.      Abigail Adams, Martha Washington, Betsy Ross
c.       The scrappy colonists who took up arms against British tyranny
d.      Kim Jong Un, Vladimir Putin, Rupert Murdoch

7.      Which is the scandaliest of American Scandals in American Scandal History?

a.       Teapot Dome
b.      Crédit Mobilier
c.       President Obama’s real birth certificate being kept from the American people.
d.      WITCH HUNTS!

8.      What one step will best improve Americans’ overall health and happiness?

a.       Companies working to reduce work-related stress.
b.      Massive marketing campaigns geared towards healthy lifestyles.
c.       Grow taller until you’re a healthier weight for your height.
d.      Only grant green cards to hotties. No uggos.

9.      All of the following are quotes from Alexis de Tocqueville EXCEPT:

a.       “If America ceases to be good, America will cease to be great.”
b.      “I do not know if the people of the United States would vote for superior men if they ran for office, but there can be no doubt that such men do not run.”
c.       “Liberty cannot be established without morality, nor morality without faith.”
d.      “LAST thing the Make America Great Again Agenda needs is a Liberal Democrat in Senate where we have so little margin for victory already. The Pelosi/Schumer Puppet Jones would vote against us 100% of the time. He’s bad on Crime, Life, Border, Vets, Guns & Military. VOTE ROY MOORE”

10.  Do women, people of color, and immigrants contribute to American exceptionalism?

a.       Yes. They get entire sidebars in U.S. History textbooks.
b.      No. They are only in sidebars in U.S. History textbooks to mollify the PC crowd.
c.       Yes. C’mon. Sofia Vergara.
d.      No. C’mon. Sofia Vergara.

11.  What is the most exceptional thing about America that every other country in the world will never understand because they are neither exceptional nor America?

a.       Our refusal to capitulate to international pressure to use the metric system.
b.      NASCAR
c.       Phyllis Schlafly
d.      Big Macs with a Diet Coke

12.  Which Founding Father is most revered in modern times and why?

a.       Abraham Lincoln, who technically wasn’t a founding father but referenced them in the Gettysburg address, thus making the first TBT reference.
b.      George Washington, who hated government so much he was the first to step away from it. Plus he slept around. Everywhere.
c.       John Adams, who has a better, more-respectful-of-the-Vice-President musical than that other one you may have heard of.
d.      Ricardo Montalban, that dude from Corinthian Leather 2.

13.  Which is the most patriotic display of the American Flag?

a.       American Flag Fanny pack (Walmart, $9.99)
b.      American Flag Lounge Pants (Walmart, $19.99)
c.       American Flag Elastic Waist Shorts (Walmart, $15.99)
d.      American Flag Cornhole Game Set (Walmart, $149.99)

14.  You are an American if you have a birth certificate from the following, EXCEPT:

a.       Guam
b.      Puerto Rico
c.       American Samoa
d.      Hawaii

15.  What is the slickest burn of a linkage institution?

a.       “FAKE NEWS MEDIA”
b.      “DUMB-ocrats”
c.       “L’il Kim Jong-Un”
d.      “Rigged elections!!!!1!!!”

16.  All of the following are fair and balanced sources of information EXCEPT

a.       Fox News
b.      Confederate statues
c.       The dark web
d.      Leaks coming from inside the (White) House

17.  How many meetings does it take to get a foreign threat to denuclearize?

a.       Multiple. It’s a complex problem that requires a long-term multi-step solution.
b.      Just one, but will leave the door open for many more summits.
c.       Zero. This is what Twitter is for.
d.      Depends – are you referring to North Korea or Canada?

18.  Frederick Douglass:

a.       Dead
b.      Alive

19.  Federalist Paper No. 10 warned of the danger of factions. All of the following are examples of recent factional infighting that hinder a functioning government EXCEPT:

a.       The president railing against his own party
b.      A Supreme Court nominee not receiving a hearing or vote during the last twelve months of a presidency
c.       The Freedom Caucus at odds with more moderate Republicans
d.      Gentle bickering among Fox and Friends hosts

20.  What is the funniest word/phrase in the history of American government and politics?

a.       Bicameral
b.      Publius
c.       Whig party
d.      Emoluments

21.  How is the Electoral College like Trump University?

a.       Both are based on an antiquated form of participation.
b.      Neither is supported by progressives.
c.       The application process is expensive.
d.      You can’t get a degree from either one.

22.  Thomas Jefferson wrote. “The Constitution belongs to the living, not the dead.” Which ghost would covfefe if they were summoned to a presidential séance?

a.       Ronald Reagan
b.      Richard Nixon
c.       Fredrick Trump
d.      Roy Cohn

23.  The McCulloch v Maryland decision stated “the power to tax involves the power to destroy” Who would the 115th Congress most like to tax?

a.       Planned Parenthood
b.      CNN
c.       Robert Mueller
d.      Samantha Bee

24.  President Trump’s Access Hollywood tape fails which of the following tests?

a.       Bechdel test
b.      Lemon test
c.       Test of the Emergency Broadcast System
d.      IQ Test

25.  In a Battle of the Network Stars reboot, Team Trump (Scott Baio, Kanye West, Jon Voigt, Ted Nugent, and that one Baldwin brother who isn’t Alec) would do all of the following EXCEPT:

a.       Make up naughty limericks about Angela Merkel.
b.      Pin the tweet on Meryl Streep
c.       Record an album to raise money for children of the media who are beautiful despite having ugly parents.
d.      Slide into Lin-Manuel Miranda’s DM during filming breaks to ask him to collaborate on “Hamilton on Ice.”

26.  As of June 2018, who spent the most taxpayer money on travel expenses?

a.       Scott Pruit
b.      Steven Mnuchin
c.       Tom Price
d.      Ryan Zinke

27.  As the First Lady walked with the President off Air Force One, her heartbeat accelerated, her blood pressure rose, and she began to sweat as she swatted her husband’s hand away. The First Lady’s state was activated by what part of the nervous system?

a.       Parasympathetic
b.      Central
c.       Peripheral
d.      Fight or flight

28.  Which is a real country the president hasn’t called out for being terrible?

a.       Nambia
b.      TanZAYnia
c.       A collective known as “shitholes”
d.      Russia

29.  What is the most disgusting?

a.       CNN
b.      Taking a break during a court trial so one of the participants could pump breast milk for her child
c.       Shark Week
d.      Megyn Kelly’s bloody whatever

30.  Who gets celebratory cake whenever they want without having to go to court?

a.       President Xi of China
b.      The Vice President, pending Mother’s approval
c.       All of the fantastic Mar-a-Lago guests
d.      Gay couples who wish to make their committed relationships legal and binding.

Section II: Free-response.

You have three hours to answer any FOUR of the following questions. Unless the directions indicate otherwise, respond to all parts of the question. When writing your answers, use substantive examples where appropriate.

1.      After being told she is “in beautiful shape?” how much Châteauneuf-du-Pape can the spouse of a visiting dignitary reasonably expect to drink at a state dinner before falling into an ennui-laden monologue peppered with loathing for boorish men? Assume she is 110 pounds and pretty pissed off.

2.      Explain Jared Kushner’s role in the White House. Please.

3.      Summarize a current nuanced public policy issue in a tweet storm. Label it #280CharactersOfPublicPolicy. Then write 20 responses that one would expect on Twitter from affected and unaffected groups alike. Draft actual public policy based on this discourse (max. 500 words) and then tweet about that using the hashtag #policybitches

4.      Harold Lasswell said “Politics is who gets what, when, and how.” Write a one-act jukebox musical that reflects this quote. Entitle it Grab ‘Em!


5.      Write a blog piece that says that Melania Trump’s use of large chunks of Obama era speeches and platforms is exactly the same as the Founding Fathers drawing heavily from John Lock’s Second Treaties of Government when writing the Declaration of Independence and the Constitution.

6.      Draw and label the following according to size (smallest to largest):  The average president’s hands, Andrew Jackson’s heart, tax breaks, inaugural crowd size, and nuclear buttons.